That's what he said.

Cash for Clunkers OR How the Government is Making Honest People Take it In the Tailpipe

Tue, 07/28/2009 - 00:50 -- Doug

If you spend anytime at all listening to the news, by now you've heard of the Cash for Clunkers program. You turn in your old beater with the lousy gas mileage and SHAZAM!!! Money comes out! ...

I mean really, what could be better? Of course you might be saying to yourself, "Wow Doug, that sounds too good to be true!" Well, as it turns out, it is to good to be true, but since when did reality ever coincide with legislation? Don't get me wrong—I understand why people are excited. After all, everybody hates hot smoggy days, loves cute little polar bear cubs and is grateful to Al Gore for the Internet. And just watch The Price is Right—"A BRAND NEW CAR!" Everyone loves new and shiny. Given the choice (and a wad of unearned cash) who on earth would keep grandma's old Malibu Classic? Especially if a subsidy could help you could do it without giving up binge drinking, chain smoking, endless on-demand pay-per-view Ultimate fights and a lifetime subscription to the Playboy channel? The question we need to ask is not, "How can we get rid of the pollution-mongering battle wagons of the seventies?" It ought to be "Why on earth would anyone drive these cars in the first place?" I'd be willing to bet that in most cases, it's because it's all they can afford. Now there are likely a lot of different reasons for this, but I know that the reason I can't afford a BMW is because I chose not to become a lawyer. That's fair. There are a lot of things that irk me about this insanely stupid act of legislative diarrhea, but none of them bother me quite so much as this: I work a lot. I already pay an outrageous amount of money to the government, and I'm paying around full price for both of my cars, neither of which are clunkers. If people in my situation want to head out and buy a new vehicle now, we're screwed twice: our taxes have to go up again to pay for it, and the cars we want will cost more because the government is artificially pumping money into the market. Did we learn nothing at all from the housing bubble? "But it's for the environment, think of the children!" you whine. Right. Did you stop to think of what's going to happen to your clunker? By law, its working engine will be destroyed. They're going to drain the oil and fill it with another substance (glue?) that will effectively prevent the cylinders from ever moving again. That's great, because as we all know, building all those new environmentally efficient cars won't have any impact on the environment at all. Neither will dumping all the batteries, brake and transmission fluid, plastics, gas and oil into junkyards. At least now we're all going to purgatory in a Prius instead of a hell in a handbasket. So much more stylish, don't you think? Thank you, Obama, Biden, Hillary, and Marx. We couldn't have done it without you.